I am an asshole.
At least it seems that way sometimes.
Just got back from dinner with a friend. A dear friend. We got in a big fight awhile back over some stupid things. But really we were fighting about a decade of us not meshing. We just never really let it come to a head before. I thought us meeting up was going to be a chance to apologize, catch up, converse like men. But he showed up with friends and wanted to hang out as if nothing ever happened.
I had expectations, I planned my evening around it. I was inconvenienced. He asked me when we could hang out again to get a chance to chat. I, with great lack of emotion, told him "I don't know" and walked away. I probably hurt him. He hurt me too. Misunderstanding will probably prevent a timely reconciliation. And if I'm honest, in this moment I don't care.
If I do the basic science, the basic math, I find that I am the only constant in a string of equations that equal broken relationships of one kind or another. Maybe I'm letting people off the hook, maybe I'm an asshole. It's hard to judge. People close to me say it's other people's fault. I'm sure the other halves of the broken relationships would say otherwise.
I sat down to write some song lyrics in a journal a dear friend gave me before I left on a year-long journey to Chile. As I looked at the pictures and mementos she included, I lost my desire to write music. I felt as though I should just write. Be sober, not filter, just think on paper.
I miss her friendship. I miss my asshole friend who avoided having a real heart to heart chat today over some beers and pizza. I miss an old friend whom I unwittingly caused a lot of real grief. I miss innocence. I no longer have the luxury of innocence.
Maybe that is why I struggle. I am no longer innocent. I am too old, too wise, and have had too many chances to be forgiven. I miss what seems like a former life of being Mike, the guy who could do no wrong. I feel mortal now. I'm not an exemption, I'm not special, and it makes me feel dead.
Maybe I've lost touch with reality. Maybe I'm finally standing up for myself. Whatever the case may be, something just doesn't feel right. I'm missing something, and I don't think it's god. I think I want my friends back. But was I the one that drove them away in the first place?
