Longevity.

Yesterday I planned to finish and post a song that I've been working on since 2008 called Longevity.  It is a terrifying process in giving it away.  I realize my limitations with my hobby of music, I become terribly self-conscious when sharing my art, and I fear more than anything the realization that all of my arduous labor and passion will go unnoticed by most.

Today, I took a day off to erase a great deal of items from my to-do list.  One of which was to run 10 miles.  Making myself suit up to go run long distances is also a terrifying process in and of its own.  I never know how my body is going to react.  Will it be hell?  Do I feel like doing it?  In the long run what's it good for?

I did both.

Longevity is and was a song about the need to persevere when life gets difficult.  I think its started with me trying to make my ex-marriage work out when it felt like I was at a loss.  I changed my mind and decided to end my marriage, but the song and its idea persisted.  Regardless of whether I feel like it or not, it behooves me to get up out of bed and make something of myself.  When I'm making headway I love my life and I love myself.  And headway requires the simple determination to continue to stand up even when it's the last thing I want to do.  I can't give up.

I am still in the process of shaping myself after some major changes.  But I still have the chisel and I still have the marble.  I think continuing to create music will help me to take shape.

I have to make music.  I like the way I feel when I run.  That is Longevity to me.

Have a listen to my song if you'd like.

-M

The Big and Scary Cat.

"You know what my dream was about?"

"What, Ray?"

"I was at school, and there was a big big cat.  And we all put those tie things (motions around eyes) on our heads so we couldn't see the cat.  We were all scared.  Then we went to (friend's house)."

This in the middle of a heart to heart with my three year old about the previous evening.  E and I woke up to the sound of him crying at 4a.  When I went to investigate he said he was scared, so I took the chance to snuggle him up so he could fall back asleep.  

This, among many other moments, is what I miss.  I get nothing but frustrated when I think about my kids having been taken to a city 2 hours away.  They have a papa up there, but what they need is a father.  I pause even now, wondering whether or not to fully vent.  I'll sum up the thought by saying it is a great tragedy to take kids away from eager, willing and able parents. 

Ray is cuddled up on the couch with me right now as I write this.  That should be the norm.  As much as I cherish this moment because of its rarity, I want for it to become mundane, I want it to lose its magic simply for the fact that it would happen so often.  I want to be sick of my kids.

On today's docket, we hit up an indoor playground to keep working on Sam's athletic side.  There may or may not be ice cream involved.  As it lies, I am a sucker.  I have my boys 4 days a month, I intend to spoil them, and anyone who thinks otherwise can kiss my ass. 

What are you doing today?

8 mile

"Ohhh everything burns!"  I exclaimed as I stepped in the shower.  Was the water too hot?  Nope.  Am I a wuss?  Not completely.   No friends, the burns were burns of stingy* triumph.  Badges of honor if you will.  Tangible evidence that I completed an 8 mile run today.  

I rather enjoyed distance running for a few years.  I found it to be a great way to shed some pounds, find time to listen to music, and probably most importantly to get a break from a completely hectic lifestyle.  Ok, I'll be honest, it was great to go run for a few hours and not have to sit in a house with my ex.  Ahem..

Fast forward a year and a half.  I entered a relationship at a high-school-esque 148 pounds.  Eliz makes me really happy.   So happy in fact that I stopped wanting to run and work out because we love spending time together.  We also love eating pizza together.  Which is good, because now she has more of me to love.  36 pounds more of me in fact.  24% more Mikey, who wouldn't love that?

I don't.  So I've been doing my best to disappoint my Wizzy and reduce her boyfriend by at least 10%.  

Running is a bitch.  At first anyhow.  My first 4 runs were huffly puffly death conjuring lung burners.  I wanted to quit with every step.  Then last week I decided to bump up to 6 miles.  And I did it.  I don't know quite what it was, but something clicked, and when I finished, I felt good.  I felt like I could do anything.  

So today I ran 8 miles.  And I'm chaffed in places I forgot I owned. 

*Stingy, as in like a bee, not like Scrooge

A dabble of fun

So yestereve I delved back into my broken laptop to reopen a nearly finished music file that I have been putting off since 2009.  Putting it off because of fear.  Putting it off because I know what I want to hear, and I'm afraid that I can't quite pull off the sound.  Fear of having what I think is one of my finest works fall under judgement, or more likely and worse, being ignored.

Music has been my most persistant and faithful of lovers.  She's like a few of my old friends, whom I can walk away from for years without explanation, only to find their welcoming arms awaiting me upon my return.  For this reason she is the only tattoo I would ever consider getting.

It felt great to man the workstation again, open up the editing pallates on tracks that have long needed attention, add new sounds that ill likely remove the next day, waste an hour to get five minutes of useful work.  Only time spent on music is never wasted.

Today, I recalled a memory from sixth grade where I was asked to participate in a stock market simulation.  They lured us in with talk of riches, houses, sports cars and the like.  I quit after a week.  I couldn't keep guitars and Kurt Cobain off of my brain.

I don't like where I find myself career wise, almost strictly because I shudder at the thought of not being able to provide for my loved ones.  But I am happy.  I enjoy my work.  I enjoy my kids.  I enjoy my woman.  And last night, for the first time in awhile, I remembered how much I enjoy my music.

Music, I can't quit you.

What I want.

Feeling in and out of things for the past few years, it has been difficult to retain any kind of real focus on what I want out of my life.  For a time, I was out more than in, so living from one thrill to another was an acceptable way to be for me.  Anything to keep my mind away from overwhelming thoughts of failure.  Anything to abet the anger.  Anything to get myself to get out of bed.

While I'm far from where I want to be, lately I think that I have been in more than out.  And to me, this seems a signal to go ahead and start asking myself again, "what do I want?".

I'm 30 years old.  I'm divorced.  I don't have a career.  I'm tired, and I'm tired of being tired.  So without any further ado, here's what I want.

-I want my kids to be with me.
-I want to be a good father.
-I want my kids to grow up well. 
-I want a real job, neigh, I want a great career.
-I want my current relationship to work, long-term, the way I know a relationship can work.
-I want to see my friends... more than just on Facebook.
-I want to be set loose on projects that matter, because I'm capable.  Extremely so.
-I want confidence.
-I want my past to die. 
-I want my own business, and I want it to be creative.
-I want to write music, and I want to do it in a community of like-minded musicians.
-I want to control my own destiny (no offense to the amazing people who support me).
-I want to make an amazing pizza.
-I want travel in my life.
-I want to be downtown in Columbus more.
-I want to realize that achieving these things does not necessarily hold the key to my happiness. 
-I want me back.
-And I want my musical tattoo.


Welcome friends.  I need you.

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I want to dream again.

well..

I'm drunk and posting!  haha, kinda like Mark Zuckerberg (sp) in The Social Network.  Right now, I'm doing everything I can to stave off a hangover whilst my girl sleepy sleeps.  AKA- water, crackers, water, repeat.  wow, this is terrible, i probably won't even post this to facebook, why would i, it's meaningless rambles in an attempt to blog more.

Things I most want:
-things to work out girl-wise
-music
-my kids to be amazing
-career fulfilment
-money.
-Probably physical fitness along with amazing pizza.  NY style.

This, being a drunk rant, seems utterly useless.   But being a champion of the notion that alcohol is a great conquerer of inhibition and a breaker-down of socially constructed walls, really, I think it an interesting view into my psyche.  Unadulterated, (mostly), unrated, fun, real.  I wish Elizabeth were awake.   I wish I didn't have so precious few free hours on the weekend.  But, I'll do what i need to do, and when it all shakes out in the laundry, she's great, I love her, I'm a blessed fool.  Underwear are great.