Formless wandering

Following a God gives an inherent sense of direction.  There is a captain, he is to be obeyed, the ship will arrive at its destination.  Steering the ship for yourself becomes a much more frightening endeavor.  You set the course, decide if it's a worthy one, and make the ship arrive.


I set out for a run this afternoon and dreaded the fact that this would give me an hour alone without my now beloved DVR to think about, well, things.  When things haven't been going so well, it has proven much easier to just not think, to be, float and enjoy.  Waves be damned.


Truth be told, there are some great waves in my life as of late, some of which were formed miles out to sea and have been building up steam to smack me across the face.  However, as I began my run, my sense of dread melted away and I embraced my challenges and dove into the tangle that is my life.


I began thinking about my relationship.  About how yes it's crazy and goes against so much of what I once believed in.  But panic never set in.  I rested in the knowledge that I'm with someone who is good for me, someone who looks at where I'm at and what I need and does her best to meet me there.  And believe me, at times, it's way out there.  Past the buoys, friends.  She has her flaws, sure.  And god knows I have mine, but she's beautiful.  Her heart knows how to love, and I'm on the receiving end of how gracious she can be.  While much is fucked in my life, she has calmed many a storm.


From here my thoughts drifted to lifelong purposes.  What are we here for?  For what reason am I sucking oxygen and taking up space?  This answer came easy with religion.  Duh, God.  But I'm not there anymore, for various reasons, which, no, we will not be discussing today, and no, my comment space is not an open discourse for debate :)  Back to the matter at hand, I wandered about, wondering why I wanted to live.  And very simply, showing love to others is all that came to mind.  Images of laughing with friends and family permeated my thoughts, I couldn't get them out.


Poignant?  Depends on the day.  And on this day, for me, when I have been running away from thought because thoughts prove too much to bear, it was a huge relief to know that I have a reason to exist.  And I think it a damn good one.


Now if I could just take this song I'm working on from 3/4 ~130bpm to 4/4 swing 110bpm I'll be a pretty happy camper.